Feelings are over rated.

It's been about 24 hours since he left. I keep psychotically checking my phone, but there isn't anything there. I keep thinking he is going to call or text me, then I start thinking about all of these wonderful things he could hypothetically do and how happy I would be. He hasn't shown up with flowers or called to tell me that I am really the love of his life. I know he's not going to, but I can't stop thinking about it.

I wish I could control the splitting. Right now, I think I am idealizing and hurting over something so wonderful and someone so great. Someone I don't deserve, someone so attractive and smart, funny and social... someone every other girl who knows him wants.

 I'd rather hate him, but I can't. Instead, I hate myself. If only I would have kept quiet last night, but once again... I let my emotions get the best of me.

I am so freaking sick of this internal battle and struggle within myself. One minute I'm angry because I'm not getting what I need and he has no intentions or desire to even attempt to fulfill that. The next minute, I'm crying and realize how out of control I am and how I push every single person away and do self destructive and sabotaging things to my life.

Where the hell did I go wrong? Things used to be so perfect. Then I began to trust and get comfortable... and that's where the chaos surfaced once again.

I don't want to trust anyone again. I won't. This is what always happens.

I don't want to feel anymore.

Acoustic Saosin

Sitting in this house alone is killing me, don't you realize that? Didn't you know how much pain you would cause? Why did you have to leave? You knew I was trying. I guess it wasn't good enough for you. I think I was never quite good enough for you.

You haven't reached out to see if I'm okay, and I'm not. I miss you. I hurt in the most miserable way.

Why can't you call? Why can't you send a text? Why can't you stop in?

I feel like you've died. You're gone. Everything is gone. The fucking dog is gone.

I'm alone. I've never felt this alone.

I keep listening to sad songs as they are all I can relate to.

I've been up for 30 hours, perhaps I'm beginning to lose sanity?

The agony stricken lyrics are all that make sense.

Why does this have to hurt so bad?

It's not my fault I'm sick. I tried my best to hold it together for you.

Blame the trauma and abandonment occurring at every stage of my life.

I wanted to be different. I wish I was different.

I'm a mess.

It's cold, even though the sun is shining.

It's so cold in this house now. I've tried packing up your things, but I'm so tired. It's late in the afternoon and the sun is shining, but all I see is darkness. The curtains are closed, the blinds drawn shut. I'll stay here alone in this dark mess I have created.

I tried to open the doors for fresh air, but the nagging sound of birds chirping and children playing was far too much to take. I don't want to hear happy when I'm not.

I'm hurt. Just so hurt. Every hour going by the pain increases.

Abandoned. Alone. Left to deal with myself.

All I want to do is sleep. Sleep the day away, sleep the week away, sleep the month and the year away.

Maybe when I wake up, I'll realize it was all just a bad dream. Maybe, you'll come back.

Walk away, walk away.

You left.

I wish I could just leave.

I can't leave.

I stay. I cry. I take some pills to numb the pain.

It's over now. You're gone.

You made sure to walk past me to collect your belongings as the knife cut across my skin.

I stay in this house. It's suddenly colder. A draft coming from the absence of what was.

Now, it's what will never be again.

I know you well enough to know you won't come back.

You won't try to make amends.

I'm damaged. Broken. Why would anyone care?

I'm emotionally unstable and insecure. Jealously plagues my inner being. Abandonment lingers throughout my mind. But, I do have a heart.

A heart that beats deeply for you.

I cared. I'll always care.

I loved you. More than you may ever know.

Doesn't matter anymore.

Once again, I'm left here alone.

Everyone walks away when you're me.

Walk away, walk away.

I'll pick up the shattered glass pieces and all that's left of me.

I'll try to patch myself up, and I'll find more damage that can't be repaired.

I keep digging deeper and deeper, but I won't ever know myself.

I just know what I'm not.

If Looks Could Kill

If looks could kill, you would have dropped dead the moment you entered through the door.

I'm sick of being ignored. I'm sick of calling, calling, calling just to get an undeniably quick response from your voice mail. That was convenient, huh. I'm sick of text messages that go without response. I can imagine you picking up the phone and looking, but apparently it takes too much effort to write a word or two back. I'm sick of writing letters that I find on the coffee table, not even worthy enough to have been opened.

It makes me sick to my stomach. I make myself sick to my stomach. Why I have put so much effort into you, I may never know. It is not a balanced relationship. There is no reciprocation.

I talk, and talk, and talk a little more. I try to explain things. I try to express things. I try to reach out when I am feeling down, low, worthless and used. You "don't want to talk about it". You never want to talk about it. I'm just the idiot who constantly thinks you just might care. You don't care, you haven't for a long time.

I ask if you are in love with me. You "don't know" or "sometimes" are. How do you think that makes someone feel? You don't just "sometimes" love someone. You "don't know" if you love someone? Why waste my time then? Why be here knowing how much this is killing me? Why? Convenient location? Financially easy?

"I haven't done anything". That's exactly right, you haven't done ANYTHING. You haven't put an ounce of effort into this relationship or towards me whatsoever.

Like having borderline personality disorder isn't hard enough.