Feelings are over rated.

It's been about 24 hours since he left. I keep psychotically checking my phone, but there isn't anything there. I keep thinking he is going to call or text me, then I start thinking about all of these wonderful things he could hypothetically do and how happy I would be. He hasn't shown up with flowers or called to tell me that I am really the love of his life. I know he's not going to, but I can't stop thinking about it.

I wish I could control the splitting. Right now, I think I am idealizing and hurting over something so wonderful and someone so great. Someone I don't deserve, someone so attractive and smart, funny and social... someone every other girl who knows him wants.

 I'd rather hate him, but I can't. Instead, I hate myself. If only I would have kept quiet last night, but once again... I let my emotions get the best of me.

I am so freaking sick of this internal battle and struggle within myself. One minute I'm angry because I'm not getting what I need and he has no intentions or desire to even attempt to fulfill that. The next minute, I'm crying and realize how out of control I am and how I push every single person away and do self destructive and sabotaging things to my life.

Where the hell did I go wrong? Things used to be so perfect. Then I began to trust and get comfortable... and that's where the chaos surfaced once again.

I don't want to trust anyone again. I won't. This is what always happens.

I don't want to feel anymore.